Twatlight: the XXX parody
by BroadwayNightOwl
Summary: When Bella meets Edward for the first time, she is immediately turned off by his smug attitude. But, little does she know that he has come to sweep her off his feet...with his penis. All characters OOC. R&R!
1. The Dance Begins

_Hello everyone! My friend, Faded Galaxia (.net/u/85828/Faded_Galaxia) and I created this parody because of how we find humor in ridiculous cheesy romance novels with comical sex scenes. We thought we might write one of our own with your favorite Twilight pair: Edward and Bella. We hope you enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it!_

***Disclaimer: We own nothing! We do not own the characters of Twilight or the plot. Stephenie Meyer has all ownership. This is intended to make people laugh hysterically until they cry. No copyright infringement intended.**

Chapter 1: The Dance Begins

Bella Swan sits on her bed on a Saturday night pondering about her next ballet recital. Loneliness creeps in her heart as she wonders when will she find someone to dance with. Tired of dancing alone and without someone who would help give her inspiration she needs, she walks over to her CD player.

She wipes away tears as she presses play. Chopin's Nocturne, opus 27 #2, piano solo comes on. She starts to dance and starts to lose herself in the music. As she trips over a shoe on the ground, her ankle gives out and she falls. She hits the ground with her fists in frustration and yells out, "Golly gee wilikers!"

Upset that she hasn't been dancing as perfectly as she used to, she decides to leave her home to clear her head.

Bella drives into town as she is craving something to push her over the edge. She parks and walks with her head down into the DustyBowl Saloon. As she walks over to the bar, she asks the bar keep for a glass of moonshine. She sits down on a stool and as she reaches over to grab for the glass, a rough hand snatches it out of her grasp. A man with a rough beard chugs down the cool beverage.

"Excuse me, that was mine," Bella said.

"So," said the man.

"But that was mine," Bella said.

"I know, you said that," said the man.

"But..." said Bella.

"If you don't have anything intelligent to say, shut your mouth. It didn't have your name on it." The man walks away in agitation.

Bella narrows her eyes, but as she took in his appearance, her gaze became lustful. She eyed his appearance from head to toe. His tight buttocks clenched in his tight-fitting jeans. She could see the tight muscles ripple beneath his tight black wife-beater. His hair was slicked back and a bit of moonshine still glistened on his beard. He leaned against the pool table and picked up a cue.

She blushed as she realized her eyes were staring at his buttocks and looked down. Her eyes wandered to her empty hand and sighed. She asked the barkeep for another glass of moonshine. As the barkeep poured it in the glass, the man started to shoot some pool. When she glanced over, her eyes set on his bulge. Their eyes met and she quickly looked away. He noticed her glance and smirked and continued playing pool.

She quickly downed her drink and was about to walk off when she dropped her keys. She leaned down to get them when she felt the man's hand on her buttocks.

"HEY! What are you doing," cried out Bella.

"You know what I'm doin'," said the man.

"Just who do you think you are," Bella said.

"The name's Edward," said the man. "Edward Cullen."

He grinned at her and gave her a quick wink as he turned around and continued playing pool. She narrowed her eyes as she picked up her keys and was about to walk away when he poked her with his cue stick.

"Hey! Come back here. Don't leave," said Edward.

"And why should I," demanded Bella.

"Well...I usually don't do this, but I just want to let you know that your ass is fantastic. I'm sure your under garments would look great on my bedroom floor. "

Bella rolled her eyes and was about to walk off when she turned around and said "Mr. Cullen, is it?"

Edward nodded while grinning.

"Well, you can't just walk in here like you own the place, Mr. Cullen."

"You know," Edward said, "you can call me by my first name."

"I don't think so," Bella said. "You and I have nothing in common. I only address people by their first names when I am interested in what someone has to say and what from I see, I don't think that's happening."

Bella stormed off. Edward grinned, as he turned around and walked back toward the pool table. She walked over to her truck and slammed the front door.

"Who does he think he is," mumbled Bella. She shook her head and put the keys in the ignition.

She started her car and sped off to the hardware store. Edward's eyes followed her truck leaving the parking lot. With his interest peaked, he decided to find out more about the fiery vixen that stirred his loins.

Bella walked into the hardware store and greeted the owner. The owner said, "Why hello there Bella. What can I do ya for?"

Bella said, "Oh, I know what I'm looking for, Mr. Jenkinsen. I'm trying to renovate my bathroom."

"Ah," said the owner. "Aisle 6 is what you want."

"Thanks," replied Bella with a smile.

Edward was shortly behind her as Bella was walking through the aisles. As she approached aisle 6, her eyes started to search for something.

Edward leaned into Bella's ear and said in a low voice, "Lookin' for some caulk?"

Bella whipped her head around and gasped.

Edward said "I overheard you are tryin' to fix up your bathroom. I suggest starting out with the bathtub."

"Oh. Well...thank you."

"No problem," Edward said. As Bella glanced at him, she realized that Edward's smile was full of secrets.

Bella pursed her lips as she started to wonder what he looked like naked.

Edward's eyes wandered to her collarbone as he said, "I think you have something on your neck."

Bella's eyes glanced down and said, "What? What's on my neck?"

Edward replied, "my lips."

Once Edward's lips caressed her skin, goosepimples shot up her neck. Her hair stood up and so did her heartbeat. Bella realized that the tension was so thick that she succumbed to his advances as a shutter went up her spine. He grabbed her face and their lips met.

As they started to kiss passionately, he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his torso. Her hands tangled in his unkempt hair and his hands wandered over her back.

He stumbled into the men's restroom. Their lips never left each other.

He ripped off her shirt as she undid his belt.

"Go on," she said softly. "Take me right here."

"All righty," he said.

He pulled down her pants as she unbuttoned his shirt. He removed her underwear as she bent over the sink.

An elderly man with a cane walked in as his eyes widened with surprise. He gasped and immediately hobbled out.

Bella knew that this was spontaneous and she loved every moment of it. This is exactly the kind of thrill she needed in her life—passion.

Bella yanked his pants down and started nibbling on his ear. Edward growled and held her face in his hands as he said in a raspy voice, "Mine."

As Edward positioned himself behind her, Bella let a low moan as she felt his throbbing member.

His penis was glistening with love juice as he groaned in anticipation. He grabbed her breasts roughly and said, "Well, here we go."

Bella smiled softly as she cried out, "just do it already! I can't take it anymore."

He shoved his penis inside of her vagina as they both groaned at the impact.

He growled as he continued to thrust into her. Bella's breasts were bouncing wildly that reminded him of his mother's green jello.

"You're mine. All mine," said Edward.

"Always," replied Bella.

He started kissing her neck as she breathed heavily. His thrusts got faster as she whispered, "Edward."

As her peak was about to reach, she cried out "Edward! Oh Edward! Hurry! Please hurry!"

Edward said "Yeah, yeah. I'm almost there." As Edward was about to explode, he cried out, "YAHTZEE!"

Shortly after, Bella climaxed and cried out "BURGER PUSSY!"

As Edward finished, they collapsed on the ground. They both looked at each other and smiled.

"Thank you for your fluids," Bella whispered. She closed her eyes and sighed happily.

Edward realized that he was going to like Washington. A lot.

_A/N: If anyone has any ideas on where they want this story to go, be sure to PM me because anything will help. We will try to get the next chapter up for this by the end of this month, hopefully sooner._

_Please, please review, even if it is just a little itty bitty blurb. _

_With Love,_

_Faded Galaxia & BroadwayNightOwl_


	2. Itching For Love

***Disclaimer: We own nothing! We do not own the characters of Twilight or the plot. Stephenie Meyer has all ownership. This is intended to make people laugh hysterically until they cry. No copyright infringement intended.**

Chapter 2: Itching For Love

As Edward yanked on his pants, Bella pulled up her pants while creepily watching him put on his pants.

Edward walked over to the bathroom mirror and smiled at his reflection.

"I'm so hot," mumbled Edward.

Bella overheard this and rolled her eyes. As she was heading toward the bathroom door, she turned to him and said, "I CANNOT believe I just did that! What was I thinking?"

"I know what you were thinking," Edward said.

"What," Bella asked.

"You were thinking of my genitals," Edward said with a grin.

Bella slapped his arm lightly and said, "Oh, you."

They walked out of the bathroom and Edward stared at her as she stared at him.

Silence passed between them for some time.

Edward cleared his throat. Bella fiddled with her keys.

Then some more silence happened.

"Well," Bella said.

"Well," Edward replied.

"Thanks?"

"Uhh….you're welcome?" replied Edward.

Bella starts to walk out of the hardware store and heads toward her truck. She gets inside and starts the truck. As she's driving away toward her apartment, Edward watches her leave.

"I wonder what I should have for supper," he said. "Oh, wait. I'm a vampire. I drink the blood of humans."

The old man with a cane who walked in on them having sex narrowed his eyes at Edward and shook his head. When Edward noticed that the old man was staring at him, he winked at him and walked out of the hardware store.

The next day, Bella is going for a jog in the park. She is listening to some music by Handel for inspiration for her next recital as she looks at her surroundings.

As she is running, she spots a familiar face reading a newspaper. The newspaper slowly lowers as Bella comes to a halt. Edward's face peeks out and says, "Oh. Hello there."

Bella looks shocked and says, "What are you doing here? Are you stalking me?"

Edward says in a low voice, "Do you want me to stalk you?"

Bella laughs nervously and says, "I don't know. Would you like to?"

Edward giggled and said "Maybe."

Bella decides to ignore him and starts jogging again. Edward puts down his newspaper and starts jogging beside her.

Bella looks over and says, "What are you doing?"

Edward says, "Going for a jog."

Bella says, "Yeah, but why?"

Edward says, "I felt like it."

"Well, go away. I'm busy."

Edward says, "I'd rather be busy in your pants."

Bella blushes and starts jogging faster. As she realizes her shoe lace on her left foot starts to get loose, she stops to bend down and tie it.

Edward stops jogging and stands to where his crotch is right by her face. "Don't mind if I do," says Edward.

Bella looks up and see his crotch. "Pffffftt."

Edward says, "Well. I'm waiting."

Bella screeched, "NOT HERE! We're in public! I'm not going to do that. What am I, you're harlot?"

Edward says, "Oh. Well, I was hoping you're going to tie my shoe as well."

Bella smiles and says, "Oh. …..Right."

As she stands up, she turns to walk away and trips over a random branch in the middle of the sidewalk that somebody put there to trip somebody up.

Edward quickly catches her with each hand on each of her breasts.

"Are you okay," Edward asks.

"I don't know," Bella said, as she removes his hands.

"Well, what can we do about it if you don't know," Edward asked.

Bella looks at him and then looks at a bush. Then she looks at him and looks at the bush again. She smirks and Edward says, "Oh! What happened to "we're in public! I'm not going to do that."

She said, "Well, life is short and your penis is long."

Edward giggles softly. Bella jogs over to the tree where Edward then holds her hands above her head and kisses her hard.

She returns the kiss with a moan as he attacks her neck with his lips.

"Yessssssssss," hisses Bella like a snake.

Edward mutters, "MINE!"

Bella starts to pull down her jogging shorts and panties as Edward unzips his zipper, revealing hard member.

She looks at him and says "Wait."

"What?"

Bella glances up at the tree and says, "I think you know what I'm thinking."

Edward looks at her and says, "Oh. What?"

Bella whispers, "Follow me."

Bella starts to climb the tree as Edward stares at her confusingly and does the same.

As they reach the top, Bella straddles the branch. Edward sits down in front of her and puts his member in her.

They both rock like they are in a rocking chair.

"Oh yeah! Rock out with your….with your penis out," cries Bella.

Edward grunts in reply.

As they continue rocking, Bella realizes she's about to climax. As Edward ejaculates inside of her vagina, Bella moans and follows suit.

As they finish, she looks down at the ground and gets scared.

"How are we supposed to get down," she said in a small voice.

"Don't worry about it, babe. I got this," Edward replied. "Hop on my back."

"What," Bella asked.

"Just do what I say."

"Okay then…"

Bella climbs on his back, wraps her legs around his torso and holds on to his neck.

As Edward jumps, Bella screams. They fall at lightning speed. Edward lands on his feet with kitty-like reflexes.

"What…what just happened," Bella said shakily.

"I'm a vampire," Edward said.

"Oh, okay. That's cool!"

As Edward redresses himself, Bella puts on her undergarments and shorts.

They start to walk off toward Bella's truck. Bella starts itching her buttocks and said, "Oooo! Why am I so itchy?"

Edward starts to itch his legs and says, "I don't know."

Bella starts itching as she's walking and says, "I can't take it anymore! Pull down my shorts and look at my buttocks."

As Edward pulls down her shorts in the middle of the park parking lot, he sees a red rash on both of her cheeks.

"Oh," says Edward.

"What is it?"

"Ivy of poison," says Edward.

"Ohh nooo," Bella says. "Scratchhh me!"

"All righty then," Edward said with a grin.

He starts to scratch her buttocks with his vampire nails. She gasps in surprise. She realizes that she likes to be scratched.

"Ohhhh," Bella moans. "That's. Awesome."

"Yeah, you like that?"

"YEAH BABY," Bella cries out. "HARDER."

"As you command, m'lady."

Edward scratches her harder with his hands and starts to make her have another orgasm with his itching.

Bella's legs start to shake where she feels as if she is climaxing, but without her genitals were being stimulated.

She releases a long moan as her walls start to contract with pleasure. As she finishes her orgasm, Bella sighs in relief.

"What just happened," Bella asked.

"Well, because I'm a vampire, I can make anyone orgasm by doing anything."

"Oh," Bella said. "Okay."

_A/N: Readers, a few updates have been made to chapter 1. Be sure to add this story to your story alerts so you can be notified when a new chapter is posted!_

_We would love your creative input. Don't forget to review! Constructive criticism is welcome. Even one word is welcome. _

_With Love,_

_Faded Galaxia & BroadwayNightOwl_


	3. I Want To Pollinate Your Flower

***Disclaimer: We own nothing! We do not own the characters of Twilight or the plot. Stephenie Meyer has all ownership. This is intended to make people laugh hysterically until they cry. No copyright infringement intended.**

Chapter 3: I Want To Pollinate Your Flower

The next day, Bella was watching Cheaters. She saw that numerous individuals on the show were able to have sexual relations, and in turn, she starting thinking about coitus. "I'm in serious need of fornication," she said.

She decided to use her cellular device to telephone Edward. She dialed the digits to connect her to him. Seven beeps later, she heard three rings and then his vocal chords vibrated.

"Yellow?"

"Uh…Hi."

"Oh….hey baby," Edward said seductively, yet obscurely, yet forward, yet timid as a small rabbit.

"Could you come over?"

"Sure, baby. But I'm in the middle of something."

"Well, I want you to be in the middle of me."

"OH! Yeah, I'll come over, baby. I'll come over hard."

"Yeah. Hard," Bella replied.

"You feelin' dirty, baby?"

Bella started to feel aroused, so she removed her robe and garments.

"Yeah. I am so dirty that I haven't taken a shower in eight weeks."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm baby," Edward said quizzically.

"Mmmm," Bella said with her eyes closed. She started traced her stomach lightly with her fingertips.

"Mmmmmmm," Edward said huskily.

"Oh yeah."

"Hey," Edward replied.

"I want to have sexy time with you," Bella said. "I want to do nasty, dirty sexual things with you. Like engage in fellatio and cunnilingus."

"Oh?" Edward said inquisitively.

"Mmmhmm."

"Baby, I have a massive erection in my trousers. Look at what you do to me," Edward said while groaning.

"Yeah," Bella said softly.

"Yeah," Edward whispered.

"Yeah," Bella mumbled and together, they fell asleep.

And the next day, Edward was driving his 2001 yellow Honda civic. His windows were down because it was summer time. He was wearing a baby blue polo with a popped collar and ripped jeans with a wool beanie cap. As he was driving toward Bella's house, someone shouted, "Douchey McDouchester!" He looked in the rearview mirror and shrugged.

"I bet they noticed my bumper sticker." Edward giggled at thought. He pulls into her drive way and turns off his car. He pulled out key like a penis pulls out of a vagina.

He shut the door and walked up to her house. He rings the door bell and checks his reflection in the window.

Bella answers the door and says, "Oh. What are you doing here?"

Edward says, "Because I can."

"But, you didn't call me."

"Should I have?"

"Well, I wouldn't have said that if I wanted you to."

"Maybe I shouldn't have come over."

"Maybe you shouldn't have," Bella said with her hands on her hips.

Edward stalks through her door and walks toward the living room. He sits on her couch.

She narrows her eyes and shuts the front door. She walks over to him and says, "Well, aren't you going to take off your sunglasses? You're not outside, you know."

"Oh, I know."

Bella shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. They stared at each other until she broke the silence.

"I'm thirsty," Bella said. "I'm leaving."

"As am I," Edward said.

They walked out to his car and she sat in the passenger seat. Edward headed toward the library.

"Why are we going to the library," Bella laughed.

"To get drinks. Where else would we go? Duh!" Edward rolled his eyes as he drove into the parking lot.

They walked in to the library and Bella headed toward the soft drink machine. "Do you have a dollar," she asked.

Edward furrowed his brows and said, "Why would you need that?"

He walked out to the water fountain and took a drink.

Bella shrugs and says, "Well, it is a drink and I am thirsty. And at least it's free, thanks to the funds from our public libraries!"

Bella takes a sip and they walk out.

They get in his 2001yellow Honda civic and drove away. "Would you like to go for a walk," Edward says to Bella, while not taking his eyes off the road.

Bella stares at him and says, "Why not? It's summer. It's a good day for that."

"I concur," Edward replied.

They drove past a soccer field and as they were driving, they saw a teenage couple making out on a tire swing.

Bella rolled her eyes and said, "Check out the couple sucking face."

Edward smirked and said, "Let's show them how it's really done."

As they pulled up and parked by the playground, they could see the boy sucking on the girl's neck, while putting his hand down her shirt. Her eyes were closed and started putting her hand down his pants.

Bella smirked and pushed Edward on the edge of the slide. She got on top of him and pushed his face against her face. They started putting their tongues in each others' mouths.

Edward got up from underneath her and took his shirt off. Bella then took him by the collar and starting sucking on his neck while making moaning noises.

The teenage couple stopped what they were doing and looked over to Bella and Edward. The girl scoffed and the boy said, "Just ignore them. We can do it better."

He unzipped his zipper and pulled out his genitals. He started stroking her inside her panties while the girl sat on his lap. He starts to suck on her neck while the girl puts her hands on his penis. She starts moaning.

Bella looks over and sees what the couple is doing. While Bella is on top of Edward, she takes off her shirt, her bra and her pants.

Edward exclaimed, "Op! She's got 'em out!"

She starts to grind upon him while Edward caresses her chest.

Bella starts moaning louder. While continuing his action, Edward simultaneously takes off his pants and his boxers. Bella says, "Looks like we're about to have sex! AWESOME."

The couple narrowed their eyes as the girl said, "I can't do this, Bernado. I'm sorry. Let's get out of here."

"Fine, Phillis. Let's go."

As they couple starts redressing and heading toward their automobile, Bella sits on Edward's penis and shouts, "Oh yeah! I'm on him and we're having sex!"

As Bella gyrates, Edward shouts out, "SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEXXXXXXXX!"

Edward ejaculates as Bella screams, "Wait, I'm about to have an orgasm toooo!"

She lets out a low moan as her body spasms and cries out, "NICK NOLTE!"

When the couple drives off, Bella and Edward share a long chortle. He turns to Bella and says, "Whoops. I didn't use a condom. Come to think of it, I didn't use one the time before that…or the time before that. I hope my sperm didn't travel toward your egg."

Bella turns to him and says, "I think my uterus will reject your seminal fluid. Besides, I am not ovulating anyway."

Edward replies, "Wait 'til the party thing gets to your name."

_A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Have to admit, writing this brought us some tears of laughter. We hope it was as good for you as it was for us ;)_

_We have been noticing that some of you favorite this story, but do not review. Please? Please review? _

_It makes us happy. You don't want to make us sad…..do you? Nick Nolte would review our story. Everybody should be more like Nick Nolte. _

_So, do the right thing. Review. _

_With Love,_

_Faded Galaxia & BroadwayNightOwl_


	4. Pencil This In

**Disclaimer: We own nothing! We do not own the characters of Twilight or the plot. Stephenie Meyer has all ownership. This is intended to make people laugh hysterically until they cry. No copyright infringement intended.**

Chapter 4: Pencil This In

Later that day in Dr. Chad McDouchenson's podiatry office, Edward was getting his Morton's Neuroma inspected. Bella was in the examination room reading the June issue of Loggers World. As she was flipping through the pages, Dr. McDouchenson walked in.

"Oh. Well, I see you must have a pronating foot. No wonder you have an advanced stage of Morton's Neuroma."

"Doctor," Bella intervened, "How much time does he have?"

"What," Dr. McDouchenson asked.

"How much time do his tolanges have?"

Dr. McDouchenson furrowed his brow. "I guess that depends on if he is taking any anti-inflammatory medicines."

"I am. I have been feeling as if my epididymis is uncoiling," Edward said.

"Oh," exclaimed Dr. McDoucherson. "Then no wonder Morton's Neuroma is affecting you!"

"Of course," said Bella. "That makes sense. I get it now."

"OkaySoundsgoodbye," Dr. McDouchenson said nonchalantly.

Bella and Edward look at each other, shrug and walk out of the examination room.

As they are leaving, they head back to Edward's house.

Edward walks in and looks at Bella. She looks at him.

He says, "you know what we should do?"

"What?"

"We should role model."

"...what," Bella asks with a befuddling look on her face.

"Role model. You know...where you pretend to be a character and act out situations while having mutual sexual intercourse."

"Don't you mean...role PLAY?"

"No. Role model. Duh," Edward said with a bemused look on his face."

Bella follows him to the bedroom.

As Edward walks over to the bathroom, he holds up a pencil tip hat.

"Close your eyes," whispers Edward.

As he undresses, he proceeds to put on the hat and the remainder of a No. 2 pencil costume.

"You know," Edward said in a baritone voice, "It would be pointless if you weren't naked right now."

"You're pretty sharp," Bella replied.

Bella runs into the closet. She grabs a wite-out costume and derobes. She quickly redresses herself in the costume and comes out.

In a tone that insinuates reproduction, Bella says, "I know I have some fluids that I need to correct."

"You can shake and squeeze me," she says softly.

"Oh yeah. I hope when you come out, you give me the right amount of fluid every time!"

"You know it," she exclaims.

"I love it when you talk dirty," he says.

"How about you just stick it in me?"

"Allrighty."

Edward lifts up his costume and inserts his scepter of his passion into her vaginal region. Undulating with desire, Bella strokes his five o'clock shadow.

As they starting gyrating, Edward's tumescent member seizures and ejaculates into her.

With a grim face, Edward looks down on the ground and says, "Sorry. I come too fast."

His facial expression quickly turns to pain as his leg starts to spasm.

"What's going on? What are you doing," Bella asks worriedly.

"I have a charley horse," Edward says.

"Oh that's the hot. Do that to me!"

Edward lifts up her leg and says, "Clench your calf."

As she clenches her calf, she cries out in pleasure.

"OHHH YEAH! ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK!"

As her calf muscle spasms, she furiously climaxes.

Bella's foot immediately whops his elbow.

"OW! MY ULNAR NERVE," shouts Edward."Do it again!"

"Okay," replies Bella.

As she whops his elbow again, Edward cries out and ferociously ejaculates.

As they finish, they drift off into a slow wave sleep and then descend into rapid eye movement sleep for approximately 8 hours.

_A/N: Review. Do it._

_With Love,_

_Faded Galaxia & BroadwayNightOwl_


	5. Papercunt

***Disclaimer: We own nothing! We do not own the characters of Twilight or the plot. Stephenie Meyer has all ownership. This is intended to make people laugh hysterically until they cry. No copyright infringement intended.**

Chapter 5: Papercunt

As Bella sensuously wraps herself in satin sheets on her bare skin, she gasps softly at the sight of Edward's golden brazen hair that looks like it has been kissed by the sun.

"Golly gee, he is such a dreamboat," she loudly whispers to nobody in particular. Edward's eyelashes flutter like a pack of ponies running through a cornfield in late September.

"Hi," says Edward.

"Hi," replies Bella with a sexually menacing yet submissive expression.

"What is up," says Edward.

"I do not know."

Edward saunters off into the kitchen to make loganberry crumble and admiral's pie.

"Would you like some gypsy creams with your compressed tea bricks?"

"Why yes, I think I shall partake," drones Bella.

"I do enjoy some confectionary in the late hours of the morning," states Edward with a smirk of delight.

Bella only replies with a silent "Eeeeegnuhhhh."

After they had finished masticating their glorious nourishment, they decide to lay in their living room and stare at the ceiling fan.

Edward turns to Bella and says, "You know what we should do?"

"What?"

"Finishing reading 'Dante's Inferno.' I quite enjoyed its dark imagery and peaceful metaphors."

"You know what would be better? Doing a verbal soliloquy within the contents of the book."

"Okee dokee," Edward squeals in delight.

As Bella turns to Canto XXX, Edward gallops off the floor and dresses in a garment resembling an Elizabethan costume. The fabric indicated that he is from the upper class due to clothing made of velvet, fur, silk, lace and cotton and taffeta.

While she is doing that, Edward says, "You know what I really love? One of your ten external orifices."

"AAHH! REAL MONSTERS," Bella painfully cries out.

"What," Edward alarmingly mutters.

"I got a papercut! Gee whiz, there seems to be a lot of burgundy fluid leaking from my finger."

"Yeah? Can I partake?"

"Sure. That would be kewl."

Bella closes her eyes, licks her lips and groans with anticipation and disappointment.

"Let's put two and two together," Edward carelessly whispers.

"I don't know what that means," Bella puzzingly says.

He bends down and slowly sucks on her fingers like a Gastrotheca marsupial frog eating a moth at dusk.

"I like it a lot," Bella whispers.

As he continues sipping, he stops and says, "I almost puked I'm sorry."

"That's okay….GIMME SOME MORE!"

"Allrighty."

He slobbers over her fingers and covers her finger in nonpoisonous saliva.

"Oh baby, that's right. Right there," Bella painstainkingly moans. "I think I'm gonna huh….huh, mnuhhh…MOON UNIT ZAPPA!"

While Bella was in the middle of climaxing, Edward cries out "OH JOHANNES CHRYSOSTOMUS WOLFGANGUS THEOPHILUS….wait…what's his last-"

"MOZART! OH YES MOZART! SUCK IT! SUCK ME DRY, YOU VEHEMOUS VAMPIRE!"

Edward looks in Bella's pupillary sphincter and Bella looks into his.

"I love you, my little glabella."

"Oh, you finally admit this to me after several sessions of coitus. Wow, what a surprise. You are committing. That's a shock, considering you wanted me, then left me in a forest and then I came for you and then you wanted me again after someone else wanted me. Nice."

"It's okay because that's how it works. Plus I'm the good looking guy that treats you like a dick without any respect for you or myself and because I can."

And they had copious amounts of fornication/coitus/intercourse/penetration/sexual activity forever since Bella became a vampire to have a relationship with someone solely based on physical attraction.

THE END (Or is it? Maybe it is. Yeah it is. It's done. Bye).

A/N: We hope you have delighted in our short-story as we have relished in writing it.  
>Please review. Please? We will give you brownies.<p>

….No we won't. But still review.  
>With Love,<br>Faded Galaxia & BroadwayNightOwl


End file.
